And now a word from the indestructible plastic toy company

You've gotta find a way to get out of your own way, so you can progress in life.

Steve Carlton

The toy lives.

And as it lives, I suffer.

--Not from the knowledge that I intentionally let it fall to a demise by drowning

--Not from turning a blind eye as it bobbed up for air the third time

--Not from the notion that I am a mother who would let a noisy toy be destroyed by what seemed to be "only an accident."

No, I suffer for a different sort of reason.

I suffer because it lives.

It refused to die and now...NOW...talks in a high-pitched fast paced voice that is ten times more annoying then the first.

And that, my friends, is what I call a big drink of Irony.

And the irony is that they wrote better without access to my quotes.

Steve Carlton

I could be Scarlett, but I want Dorothy's ruby shoes

I live in Windy Alley.

To deny it, is like denying that my hair looks like I just got off a motorcycle ride and wore no helmet.

I wear a toque in June while I work on my garden. Every coat I buy has to have the type of lapels you can whip up and hide behind in case the wind comes up. Tumbleweed rolling down my road is normal.

This week we had 100 km/h winds (or 62 mph).

And I was outside.

I know, foolish girl.

But I felt I must go out.

It was important.

Vital, even.

Crucial.

Buying more toilet paper always is.

But it left me feeling much like a character in a novel. I found an archived picture of me that will help you pick which character I am most like.

1. Scarllett O'hara in Gone With the Wind

2. Dorothy from Wizard of Oz who is most notably 'not in Kansas anymore'.

3.Captain Hook meets Hair Spray (You can't stop the beat, people)

You think my past mustache woes would leave me alone for this photo? But, no siree!

Not Even the Remote Could Have Helped Me This Time

I love my husband.

He is my brain sometimes. Because sometimes I don't make the connection between information and how to put it into practice.

Here's a great example:

My husband noticed that the automatic door lock remote on my key chain wasn't working. He took it to get the battery replaced and then reminded me to make sure I physically locked the doors while on errands.

Right. Got it. Check.

We did several running around errands and each time I fumbled for my keys to unlock the doors I wished I had my remote with me. It made life so simple. I never even gave this convenience a thought until it was gone from me. And now, as I struggled to get my kids to stand still while I unlocked the door, I wished I had been kinder to my remote. The least I could have done was breathed a sigh of thanks every once in a while.

My kids and I had gone on about four errands and arrived at our fifth, when my eldest said, "Mom, let us out! We're here at our friends." I unlocked the doors from the inside and my girls scrambled out while I asked them to shut the door behind them.

I went to the opposite door and got their brother, a bag of goodies for my friend and my bag-of-all-life-contents (diapers and wallet). My little guy must be carried as he doesn't understand the dangers of traffic so with all the bundles, and him in my arms, I manually lock the door. I check to see that I have the keys (I do) and then I shut the door.

I struggle up the walk to my friends home and barely make it to the door before the load I am holding gives way.

It's a lovely day to visit my friend. Her house is being reno'ed so we explore and oohed and ahhed and imagined what it will really look like. Her wonderful kids show me all their latest songs and dances and we make tea for our visit.

Twenty minutes has passed and we sip our tea, exchanging all that we are learning in our marriages and encouraging each other to grow in God's Word.

Then my friend looks out the window.

"Is that your car?"

"Yes. It is."

We both stand up looking out her front window. Our heads tilt to the side hoping that we can make sense of this situation.

For you see, one door...the door my girls went out and were supposed to shut...the door I couldn't see because of the bundles I was carrying...has been left wide open.

For twenty minutes.

TWENTY MINUTES!

I quickly run outside and see that nothing was taken.

It is then that I notice that,yes, I did lock the doors.

Which, as it turns out, is actually of no use unless you shut the door!

Perhaps I don't have to rule out having my own cookbook one day

Success! Success!

I finally did it! No more smooshed, flattened cookies. No more must I bear the burden of delivering burnt cookies to loved ones. No longer, friends, no longer.

I made yummy, and puffy with a bit of crispiness to it type of cookies. They were gobbled in mere moments and the hit of this house.

I know what you're thinking. Diva, we remember the last time. Are you sure these are not a store bought mix?

I'm positive my friends. I made these with my own hands.

You're dying to know my secret aren't you?

Ok, I'll tell.

These are actually blueberry muffins gone horribly wrong.

And lo the floodgates opened... and nothing poured forth

I have a confession to make.

I know, another one? Yes.

Why?

Because this soap opera is called Confessions of a Redeemed Diva and that's how I roll.

Confession: I am not very punctual at returning emails to people.

Well, let me clarify that. I am not punctual replying to emails that have no direct, must be answered now, content within them. I usually read the email and plan to reply the next time I get on.

We could call it procrastination, but that word is not allowed on this show. So, we'll call it 'delayed reciprocation'.

Yesterday, I decided to respond to emails that were from 2009. I wrote my little heart out. I got in touch with everyone who has written recently and everyone that I wanted to send a quick "Hi, how ya doing?, been thinking about you" email.

I used up a good portion of my computer time doing this. I left feeling pretty good about myself. Ah, something is getting accomplished this New Year.

And so it was, with great anticipation, I logged onto my email account today fully expecting a huge amount of reciprocity of emails from friends saying they were glad to hear from me again.

And lo...

The jig is almost up on this library racketeering ring I've got going on

So...I have this book that is overdue at the library.

It's been due since September.

Sigh.

At first, I had it. Then three weeks went by and *poof *suddenly it was due.

Then I couldn't locate it so I renewed it for another 3 weeks. That brought us to October.

Then I still couldn't find it. I renewed it for the 2nd and final time we are allowed to renew it. That took me to the first week of November.

Then something magical happened.

I was at the library picking up some books while on a break from my little Saturday job. The lady in front of me took waaaaay too long and my break was almost over by the time I got to the counter to take out my books.

I was explaining that I had to get going when the clerk--who I am well-known to since she sees me twice a week when I get out books--says "Give me your card and go! I'll take care of it."

"I think there are some overdue books."

"Don't worry. I'll override it."

Jackpot!

That brought me to December.

Then I renewed it again. That brought me to the middle of December.

Then I thought it was time to face the music and pay for the book that my house has eaten. I told the other librarian that I think I had misplaced it and that I should pay for it.

She shook her head. "I'll renew it one more time. Why don't you see what you can find at home."

That brings me to next week.

A week that is approaching rather quickly in my mind.

Especially since cupboards have been searched, bookcases moved, underwear drawers looked in (I am desperate. I know, who puts a book in their underwear drawer? I can't think straight when I'm desperate), and I even took a trip to the garage to see if I might have accidentally recycled it.

Nope.

Can't find it.

Can't find it all.

And the worst part is...

I've never even read it.

It was not on purpose...this time I mean it

We all remember this conversation, do we not?

Well, I'm taking this Novel Writing thing seriously and last night, I decided to get writing. (I am writing everyday as outlined on the website). I started at 8:30 pm. I always write by hand first because there is something that is quite artistic and therapeutic about writing by hand. Plus, I can still only type 33 words a minute so...naturally I do my first draft on paper.

After a good session of writing, I felt it was time to go to bed and hoped that hadn't gone past my 10:00 pm bedtime.

Lo and behold it was 1 am!

1 am, folks. A.M. as in after midnight.

I was completely absorbed and lost all sense of time.

But I am pleased to announce that by a rough estimate, I have written approx. 7 000 words. Only 43 000 more to go!

Stay tuned, I need help naming a character and you guys get to name her.

You can read Pride and Prejudice online? You bet your dupa!

I unearthed this from my email inbox--remember, I told you about these? Here are some excerpts from a letter I wrote to a friend who lives in Thailand. (I love you, Beckkkkkky!) She deserves a blog post all her own and one day I will write about her. (She's in the top 5 hall of fame of the best type of friends a girl can have).

Here is how I write a letter with very little sleep under my belt:

Dear Becky-Jean,

So...update on life. I got a hair straightener for Christmas.

I read the book Pride and Prejudice online.

Yup, on the computer. I googled it and there it was.

It sounded like a good idea at the time. It did.

Really.

I couldn't get to the library and I had never read it before. And, hello, I live in North America and have no concept of waiting, so I went online. It was very good, and although I had sore eyes, I'm glad that I got to read it.

My youngest girl is walking and consequently trying to climb up the bookshelf and eat bottles of food colouring. She says "hi". Not sure if it's a general statement or if it's directed at you.

I was on the tv show Behind the Scenes and in my own unbiased opinion, I have to say that I looked very, very good on TV :) Thank you Revlon for making sparkly eyeshadow.

God is awesome (I was hoping to have something surprising to write, but you know Jesus, He's always consistent with Himself) I've been growing in His word a lot and been learning about forgiveness again (one day I am going to write a book called "When will the Healing end?" followed by a sequel "Will it ever end?" and then the trilogy clincher "Just accept it. You will need healing until your last breath, and by then, it won't really matter because you'll be face to face with Jesus and you are going to worship for all eternity” I'm expecting it will become a bestseller. Possibly a movie deal.)

I'm contemplating doing a triatholon this year. Not sure if I want to have a baby or to swim,bike and run. It's a tough call. They are kind of the same thing--except you look better in a bathing suit for one of them.

After 6 months I've finally unpacked every box from our move this summer.Which is perfect timing, because now I can use those empty boxes to start packing up our stuff for the move in May!

I ate a bag of dark truffles chocolate and now I despise milk chocolate candy--beware of the best...it spoils the good for you.

I spent New Year's with L. We were both without our husbands. I ate ham out of politeness because I don't actually eat pork, but I didn't know how to tell L. that, so I ate it and said that it was a good meal. This weighs heavy on my conscious....

I watched the Pride and Prejudice movie with Keira Knightley seven times in a span of 8 days. This prompted me to read the book.

Online. I read it online. I know I told you that, but it bears repeating.

Everyone tells me that the A&E version with Colin Firth is better. I'm eagerly anticipating the opportunity to verify this piece of information. My subsequent lack of vehicle has prevented me from obtaining such an opportunity, but I am conviced that the right moment will come and when it does, I will seize it and use it to my full advantage. ... I am still talking about renting a movie, right?

I think I need sleep. Or chocolate. Or a combination of both.

Miss you and hope that you are eating food that is good for your digestive system.

Love, Diva-Allie

If you liked this letter, you will laugh harder at this one.

Just another thing my neighbors know about me

This morning we are tearing it up around the house.

It's birthday party day.

But, somehow, it seems that all of the duties of getting ready for fiesta time have fallen to my lot. I'm going fast. I'm attacking each job with vigor. I'm attacking stains on the floor. And then I'm attacking family members as I realize that all this violence on house cleaning is a solo project.

So, I yell.

And not that "Help! I need somebody" type of yell.

Two-year-old temper tantrum type yell. I'm at my rope's end.

And then I pause and I remember...

God is using every circumstance to conform me to the image of His dear Son. Well, of course, I remembered this.

Right after I remembered that our windows were open and our neighbors are doing lawn work today.

Is there a jail for unwritten etiquette lawbreakers?

I broke code among women yesterday.

You know, the unwritten beauty,weight, tell your female comrade when she has something in her teeth code.

I broke it. Unwittingly, of course. But, still I broke it.

I saw someone at church who I hadn't seen since June. We usually attend a later church service and this week we attended the earlier one. She was there and I was so glad to see her. She looked radiant, round and ready for the maternity clothes stage of the game.

I gave her a big hug and asked her how she was feeling.

"Oh, much better," she assured me.

"Sounds like you're over the worst of it."

"Oh, I am."

"That's great. How many months are you again? Four or five?"

The colour left her face.

Uh-oh.

"I'm not pregnant."

The colour left my face.

Some serious unwritten women protocol had just been breached.

Uh-oh.

Can I just say something...

This is a post for anyone who plans to do anything in their life.

Today I had the unfortunate opportunity to see yet another headline about yet another star or so called star embarrassed,shocked and dismayed that their personal naked pictures of themselves were leaked out to the media.

Did anyone fail to see that one word: personal.

Their personal naked pictures.

Here's a tip from me to you.

Don't take naked pictures of yourself.

True Story

When I was in kindergarten, I told my classmates that I rode a horse to school everyday.

I lived in the country, it was possible. But it wasn't true, of course. Obviously.

I just wanted to be cool like the girl with boundless energy, pretty hair clips, and the pudding pop snacks in her lunch pail.

I was questioned by her and her groupies as to why the horse wasn't standing outside waiting for me when it was time to go home.

I told them, with a straight face, "I just slap it on its bum and it knows the way home."

True story.

During show and tell a kid named Clinton stood up and bragged about the gift his Dad got him. I am from a family of four and cool gifts happened--just not as often as Clinton's did. My Dad was currently in Toronto and we were very excited about him flying home on a plane that night. So I stood up and took my turn with Show and Tell. I told the kids how my Dad was flying on a plane, and how he was in Toronto...and that he was bringing me a tricycle from Toronto.

I still remember the look on my teacher's face when I said that. It was one that was mixed with the arched eyebrow that questioned whether or not I was telling the truth or really believed it and hoped it would happen, crossed with the wide eyes of "how in the world would he fit that in his suitcase!"

True Story.

I sometimes sit by myself and laugh out loud when I'm alone. I'm thinking of what a tricycle would look like in my Dad's brown suitcase. And how a horse would determine which road to turn down in order to get to my place.

Looking for a place to hide in the waiting room

Today was wonderful. I got to hear our baby's heartbeat! SuperGirl was quite thrilled about it and that made it so much more special.

My girls were so well behaved in the waiting room, and it wasn't just because Missie-Moo was asleep on her Dad's shoulder for most of it.

Honest.

Earlier in the day, I practiced with the girls about how to behave at the doctor's office. We played a fun game of office and the girls seemed pretty confident about what to do and what not to do. Practicing ahead of time has been a necessary tool of late since my two year old's curiousity level has sky rocketed and my eldest thinks it's funny to chase her and make things escalate.
We go in.

They wait patiently.

We hear the baby's heart beat.

I pee in a cup.

It's all dandy.

But then came the blood work...

My husband, who left work to be there for the appointment, has to get back to work. While I was "filling the cup" he generously got my children some candy....and then left to go back to work. Sugar works it's magic and suddenly my girls are putting on a show for everyone in the lab waiting room who is waiting to get their blood drawn or pee in a cup.

They squirm, they fight over who gets to sit next to me, they threaten to take off their boots...with a smile on my face, I threaten both to behave or consequences will be experienced. They take off their boots.

And as I prepare to inflict...ahem...dole out justice, my name is called and I, once again, get to go pee in a cup.

I get my bloodwork done with minor incident. The smart lab technician, who probably has kids of her own, offers them a sticker and my girls calm down enough for me to get all the blood work done.

It wasn't so bad.

In the end, I didn't have to hide from embarrassment.

I left with two content kids with Winnie the Pooh stickers and the certain feeling that I did not want to drink anything later that resembles pee in a cup.

Sometimes you just gotta stick your head out the window and yell "Help!" to anyone who will listen.

Last straw...
The straw that broke the camel's back...
I'm approaching it with rapid speed.
Today, my youngest hasn't let me go two feet from her without yelling "Mom" and wanting to be held. Tried to talk on the phone with my uncle. I think he was well, at least that's what I sorta discerned in between talking with him and Brie yelling "Mom" every two seconds.
It all becomes a comedy as my oldest decides that copying Brie would be fun. So, now I hear "Mom" being yelled every second. First by Brie and then echoed by Anne.
Utter gong show.
So, Uncle Dan if you get to read this: I love you and I hope that you are having a great summer day.
If you'll all excuse me, I'm going to open a window and yell for help from any person who thinks they can possibly help me regain my patience and sanity.