Dear Diary series continues as I join in with Walk with Him Wednesday from www.aholyexperience.com. My spiritual discipline is listed at the bottom.
Today was emotion vs. faith. Jeep and I went to get an ultrasound to see if we have a tubal pregnancy.
"You do not have a tubal pregnancy," they said, "but you will miscarry. There are vital pieces missing and the ova looks broken."
Jeep almost fainted and fell back into a chair. I started crying and said nothing.
The official radiologist was wearing a white lab coat and the technician didn't look me in the eyes.
They suggested we go back to the hospital and get some blood work done.
All day I'm fighting my thoughts.
I fight them here in this book.
I'm afraid Lord.
I don't think I can handle a miscarriage. But whatever happens Lord, I will worship You. I will say that You are good to me.
It's all in Your hands now.
(Then the Lord spoke to my heart and said that I was to call this child Shalom and He gave me this poem)
Shalom is in my heart
Shalom is in my Father's arm
Shalom, Shalom one day we'll meet
And I'll see your face of peace
There is nothing missing, nothing broken
For He has made you whole
There is nothing lacking
For He is your peace alone
Shalom, the joy you bring
With peace that makes no sense
You're in my Father's arms
Giving me complete rest
You are the very best
Kind of love.
Shalom, I am at peace
Shalom, I am at rest
You are the very best
Kind of love.
I just finished writing that poem and the phone rang.
It was the doctor.
The blood test shows that my hormone levels are going up and I may not miscarry after all.
Give me strength God.
Feb 18 2002
I started to bleed and miscarry today.
I am not sure how I feel at this point in time. I don't know what to think.
I never want to know this feeling again. It's like we've lost something we never had, but it was completely and fully ours. It was the complete picture of Jeep and I. They weren't mine, they weren't just his. Shalom was ours. And now, I think Shalom's gone.
I am NUMB.
Beyond belief, I am numb.
I love you, Shalom. Mommy loves you. You are so beautiful and precious to me. I can't wait to meet you.
What a day that will be!
February 22 2002
With all that's in me, Praise His Holy Name!
We had another ultrasound today to see why I haven't miscarried.
And on the screen...so small, so slight...Shalom's heartbeat.
I thought Shalom was gone...but the heartbeat was there.
Thank you Jesus!
My little Shalom is a fighter. And You are good.
I am still so afraid. Calm my fears, Lord. Create in my a new heart that I will trust You to be faithful to me no matter what happens.
September 29 2002
I've seen her!
Shalom is here. I've seen her face of peace.
And it is beautiful.
Thank You God! Thank You God! Thank You God!
It is only because of Your grace that I am holding my first baby, and beautiful daughter.
Lord, I give her to You.
I trust You to make me the mother that she needs me to be.
I trust You.
I will worship You and love You and say that You are good no matter what happens.
She is so beautiful Lord.
Thank You, thank You, thank You!
Shalom means 'nothing missing, nothing broken, total peace and wholeness. The radiologist said that I would miscarry because "there were things missing and the ova looked broken". And God whispered to my heart that He would bring His Shalom to my child.
This was emotional for me to put onto my blog. For I know and have wept with many whose babies have been miscarried. I want to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. I pray that this journal entry has pointed you towards Christ and to remind you that He alone can bring peace and that He alone is the very best kind of love.
For those joining from Holy Experience, my spiritual discipline is that I have purposed in my heart to say that God is good no matter what has happened and to have a heart that worships Him no matter what happens.
Shalom to you!