I wrote this two years ago. It has some recurring themes of earlier posts, but it's interesting to see what's happenend since then.
It’s been one of those days.
The kind of day where, you force yourself to exercise, as though, you’ve forgotten that you actually love to do it.
The kind of day where you listen to Classical music because it contains moods within the songs and you need mood music.
The kind of day where you find yourself with the thoughts of unforgiveness that you’ve given to God long ago.
Earlier today, while doing the dishes, out of nowhere comes this recurring day dream I have dreamt many a time.
It’s that old favourite—the one where I meet some people who I haven’t seen in years and I’m showing off how great I’ve become since they aren’t in my life any more. The day dream leaves me empty and unfulfilled.
Each time, in my day dream, these people are sorry for not having me in their life. I am one of their BIG regrets in life. And I see hope in their eyes. Hope that we will be friends and share the intimacy that friends share. And then, I laugh. I laugh a hard bitter laugh that says, “You had your chance, loser. I’m better off without you and you can live in a pool of shame and regret for all I care…if I cared.”
In reality, I am probably not one of their BIG regrets. In reality, they probably aren’t even aware that I am this deeply hurt by their actions.
To me, they are a memory that is brought out of the closet of my mind similar to when you clean out that one drawer that you’ve been meaning to clean for months. I am not really sure what to do with it, so it goes back into the drawer until another day forces me to try and sort out the stuff in my mental junk drawer.
This day dream always brings up the question “why?” Why did they hurt me? Why don’t they care? Why don’t they have an embarrassing moment on live TV that I happen to catch with my friends, so that I can say “Hey, those are the idiots who hurt me. Sucks to be them.”
Forgiveness is a funny thing. Well, not forgiveness, but just continually making the choice of forgiveneness when these old memories come up. This day dream is obviously not from God. So, what have I been renewing my mind to?
I’ve been reading and re-reading the scriptures about “forgive as we have been forgiven.” It means forgive and let it go. And though the enemy may throw the mental day dream of bitterness back in your face, you have to choose and remind yourself, “Hey, I’ve already dealt with this. I’ve already forgiven this.” And then just trust God to keep your heart soft towards your enemies.
One thing I’ve started doing is praying for those who’ve hurt me-which is always humbling and hurtful because I so desire God to return to His Old Testament ways and have the earth open up and swallow them alive. But, to pray is to change.
As I’m on my knees I once again find myself embracing the Cross closer than before. Even when I feel like I can’t forgive, I can walk in faith that because Jesus forgave me of all sin, I can now forgive those who’ve hurt me. I pray that I will cheer when I hear that they are succeeding and that I will not live my life in the shadow of trying to prove to people that I’m good enough. I pray that the helmet of salvation will help me guard my mind from futile and evil thoughts. And I pray most of all that I will never forget what Jesus did for me-He forgave me.
I love how the Amplified Translation of the Bible says it : ‘For if you forgive people their trespasses (their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go, and giving up resentment), your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14
Today Lord I chose to remain in an attitude of forgiveness. And I pray for unity within the Body of Christ. And I thank you that where I have hurt someone deeply, you have not opened up the ground and swallowed me alive.