Sunday, October 28, 2007

conglomeration of thoughts

Just some thoughts running through my head.
In many ways, I can mark the day that childhood innocence left me. Some people have their innoncence taken from them. Some have moments were they unknowingly release it like a firefly once cupped in their hands. Some run into that moment with expectation and some meet it when they least expect it. I met it on October 27th 1990.
That day represents more to me than the day that my father died. It has a two-edged meaning for me.
I'm trying to write this without sounding dramatic or without evoking pitying responses, but it's hard to know how to put it into words that will help a reader understand what I'm trying to say. So, I'm just going to say it and let the words break and fall where they may.
My father was blue when I found him. Was he still alive? Could he hear me? Did he worry that his little girl found him and he was unable to help, unable to protect as he had so many times before? These are all questions that I've asked, looked at, polished and then placed in God's hand. Sometimes I pick them up and look at them, but for the most part I've given them to Him because I know "He is able to keep them until that day."
Childhood, for me, ended like a blast of cold water being thrown on my face. There was no option for a different course. The wonder of childhood; the soft roundness of amazement and imagination; the doughy, warm smells of contentment all vanished the moment I crept up to my father's body and peered at his bluish, gray face. There was no going back. Childhood had ended.
Surprisingly, at that exact same moment, I found myself in a greater adventure. An adventure that superseded the panic that surfaced and the fear that wrapped itself around me in that moment.
At that exact minute, I became aware of God's presence. The all-consuming, comforting and gentle Presence of the Lord. Peace invaded my panic, love burnt up my fear and the unmistakable knowledge that I was not abandoned became seeded in my heart.
Knowing you, Jesus
Knowing you
There is no greater thing
You're my Lord, you're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love you
It was a few years later when I heard Corrie Ten boom's words about living in the concentration camp and losing all her family; these words finally put all of my heart's understanding about God's love for me into one simple phrase: "There is no pit too deep, that He is not deeper still."
October 27th 1990 is the day that my childhood ended and it was the day I was swallowed up by the vastless, warm ocean of God's love.
Today feels like a good day to go surfing.

6 comments:

Joy said...

Beautiful Thoughts :)

A Woman Who is: said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving such a nice comment. I lost my dad this Aug. But I was far from a child. My heart grieves with you on this day. Yet rejoices in the God we serve, who encompasses us in His great love.
Thanks for sharing.

Ann said...

Thanks for stopping by Geraniums on the Wall! I will be stopping to by to read yours now too! I have enjoyed what I've read so far. Blessings!

Nadine said...

That was beautifully put. Losing a parent at any age is difficult. I lost my dad at 27 and still remember. Today I join you in your mourning for his presence in your life. God bless you.

Tamatha said...

Hey lady...I love you! Bless you for how transparent you are!:o)

Cheryl said...

Great post on the reality of life. Sometimes what comes our way, is downright tough. Grieving is necessary and vital for us to move forward.
Thanks for sharing a very real part of your life!