Jokes, Metaphors and Cream Puffs: Vital Ingredients to a Funny Post

Choose Your Own Adventure #6

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Control freak.

Control frea--

O.K. this is the part where you say, "Control freak who?"

" Listen, you aren't helping me right now, Jenny. I am trying to think about how to write a funny blog post and telling jokes is lame."

"Just tell them to speak confidently and then immediately contradict themselves."

"I can't do that,"I said, pounding my fist on the table. "Or wait. That's exactly what I'll do!"

Jenny took it all in stride, as usual. She was used to my outbursts of thought followed by a sudden need for more cream puffs. We reasoned that pastry helped our thoughts become more liquid.

I shook my head and grabbed another cream puff. "No. No, I can't do that. It's too cliche.Cliche isn't funny, it's just-"

"Cliche." Jenny said in unison with me. "Well, you know what works for me. Repeating myself."

I gave her a dubious look.

"No, really. Repeating myself always brings comedy to a situation."

"Like when?" I said, and licked the remnants of cream from my thumb.

"Like the time I went to the grocery store. I started out saying, "This is not going according to plan." And then after each event failed to go according to plan, I said, "This is not going according to plan."

"And that worked for you?"

"Yeah, I nearly cried from laughing so hard. I'm the funniest person I know."

I threw a cream puff at Jenny's head because sometimes she needs to be whipped by some... whipped cream.

"Oh, I have a great thought," she cried, as she picked up the fallen pastry.

I leanded forward.

"Repeat yourself!"

Then she broke down into more laughter.

"Yes. Hi.lar.ious. How have I ever managed to have a friend with such a genius for comedy and not know it?"

"Sarcasm isn't funny. It's the weapons of the weak and the...unemployed."

"Jenny, stuff it."

"Gladly," she answered, and popped another cream puff in her mouth.

"Ahhhhh! Taking things literally is not funny, Jenny-Jenn-Jenn. Now, for true hilarity you need to make clear the HIGH and OH-SO-GREAT expectations you have about something and then collide it with reality."

Jenny tilted her head to the side to think it over. "OK. I see where you are going with this. Ideally, you want to lay a trap or lay the idea that you have a certain expectation about how the event will turn out, but then you relate how reality interferes with your plans."

"Yeah, yeah. Anyone can do that. It's how you do it that counts." I counted three as I stuffed the next cream puff in my mouth.

"Well, there are a lot of ways to do that." Jenny pulled her newly-dyed brown hair into a ponytail, giving herself a minute to think. "You could use rhyming words. Like, 'plan-schman' or 'rules-schmules'"

"Or lame-schlame." That earned me a disapproving look. So I offered, ""What about song lyrics? Song lyrics work great for bringing in humour."

"So does referencing famous hairstyles from old TV shows and other pop culture."

"But make sure you put it in metaphor form. Nothing says a Farah Fawcett shag like a poorly done reference."

"Too true." Jenny chewed on her fifth cream ball. She was one ahead of me and I wasn't going to let her lap me on the track.

I reached for the cream puff a little too greedily. My squeezed the cream ball and, suddenly, it burst open and squirted all over Jenny and me.

I was covered.

I looked at the left side of Jenny's face caked in thick white cream.

I could feel it starting to slide down my own nose.

We looked at each other.

And then burst out laughing.

Physical comedy at it's best.

The End of that Story and The Beginning of My Schpiel

When writing humourous blog posts about your life (and please note that this idea applies to the concept of writing blog posts about your life) you really have to keep one thing in mind.

The One Thing to Keep in Mind

No, it's not Shakespeare's advice that 'Brevity is the soul of wit' (Brevity means short, but also when he wrote that he was being ironic), that is a really good point to remember but it all points to the only thing I know about writing humourously:

For Real, The One Thing to Keep in Mind

Write honestly.

If you are willing to get honest about how you really thought about situations, you will make things become funnier. If you are willing to admit that you didn't think things all the way through before you started, you and your readers will see the humour in it.

It is hilarious that we have high expectations about everything we do in life and that it is filtered through the ideal that everything will go according to our plan that best suits ourselves.

It is humourous that we leap into situations without thinking things all the way through to the end and then wonder why this is happening to us. That is funny. Irresponsible, yes. But funny too. And we all do stuff like that, so we can all relate.

As you will see, in the story above, I cleverly put in bold all the myriad of ways you can go about expressing your honesty. I'm sure there are many more but I wasn't going to write an epic novel (wink) in order to do so.

What tricks do you use to employ humour?

Trick Trickster

Choose Your Own Adventure #1

Tricks can be funny.

Like playing a trick on your readers and saying, "Hehe! Tricked you. There's nothing to learn from this post."

Try another adventure.

relatable HONESTY

Choose Your Own Adventure #2

When writing funny posts you have to remember the most important thing.

Gene Kelly, in Singin' in the Rain, said his life motto was "Dignity, always dignity."

But that was Singin' in the Rain....a far cry from my life which always end in some embarrassing situation.

I don't really know how to tell people how to write humorously. So I will tell you how I write and maybe you can glean some tips from that. My motto would be: Honesty, always honesty.

H-High expectations

As a blogger who documents your life, your role is one of a storyteller. Not writer, but storyteller.

And every humorous story begins by laying out the fact that you have super high expectations that you expect will be met. Of course, this never happens because those expectations will collide with reality. High expectations is something everyone can relate to, so make sure you use it.

O-Observation

When you include those little nuances of observation you make about life the story come alive. When left to explain the finer points of the internet to her in-laws, Lumberjack's wife said, in her mind, "Boo, Lumberjack, Boo!" You smiled because sometimes you want to say "Boo!" to your husband, too, when he leaves you to handle a situation you got yourself into. We can all relate.

Everyone has silly little thoughts about things like that. Include them, because observation is something everyone can relate to, so make sure you use it.

N- Not thinking things all the way through

This is a classic mistake I make. For some reason (high expectations) I really think I can accomplish what I set out to do. Make it clear in your story that:

1. You really believe you can accomplish it

2. Make it clear what you did not think COULD happen to you

3. Make it clear that what you never considered could happen, did, in fact, happen

Everyone has once experienced not thinking things all the way through, so use it because it is something everyone can relate to.

E- Extensive vocabulary

Just as I was about to close the door, my husband caught me.

Rats!

He smiled and said, "Did you want to me to write up the purchase order for the washing machine and the dryer?"

Whoa there, big fella!

"Are you crazy?" she asked me.

I'm not crazy, I thought to myself. Delusional, yes. Crazy, no...maybe...I'm not really sure. Maybe I am crazy? What does this mean? How does it effect the price of eggs anyhow?

Use your vocabulary to enhance your story. You can say the same thing, just use different words. Or use popular sayings to enhance the story. Either way, wield the weapon of words.

Everyone likes witty words and putting them in your story is something everyone can relate to, so make sure you use it.

S-I don't have anything for S.

But S does need to be here, because if it is not here then it spells the word HONETY. And I was shocked when I found out what HONETY meant. Click here.

No, really, click here to find out. It'll only take, like, five seconds, then you can click back. Trust me. You want to include this word in your extensive vocabulary. So click here.

T-Timing

Punchlines only make sense at the end of a joke. And only after you've built up the story for the big Ba-dum-ching! (Notice how I used some extensive vocabulary there? I knew you were taking notes).

What makes the story funny is how it ends. End it with a one-two punch.

Sometimes I like to use one word. For example:

Never again!

I know, you think that's two words. But if you had read all the story before the ending phrase you would understand that I was talking really fast in this tale. And so, if you say "Never again" really fast like "neveragain" then you would see that it is, indeed, only one word.

Now you know why buildup to the punchline is everything.

Ahhhhhh!

See? I ended that with one word. I'm that good, friends.

Yep.

Y-O-U

Just be you! You are human. You make mistakes. Sometimes you, too, leave laundry in the washing machine and it smells sour when you open the lid two days later. And that is something everyone can relate to, so make sure you use it.

Be Honest. It's what we all can relate to and in turn, it will make us smile, giggle or belly laugh.

Really.

The Definition of HONETY

Honety

hon-e-ty

-noun

1. meaning absolutely nothing

2. a word made up by some obscure blogger in a vain attempt at humour

3. of no real importance, completed unrelated to the topic at hand; a poor mis-spelling of the word honey

My apologies to Charles Wilkins

Choose Your Own Adventure #3

In order to get my point across about how easy it is to write funny posts, I've spoofed the poem Pancakes by Charles Wilkins. Mr. Wilkins, I am sorry for any way this embarrasses your brilliance.

Writing Funny Redeemed Diva Style

There's a trick to writing funny

That everyone should know

The trick is this: Be Honest

Loosen up! Let go!

Hit 'em with a metaphor

Hit 'em with a rhyme

Go and repeat yourself

Half a dozen times

Til

your

post

is...

Filled with expectation

Higher than your house

Higher than your mortgage payments

Higher than a mouse?

Then dose it with reality

Pour it on strong

Let them see how obvious

It is that you are wrong

Point A: Think things all the way through

Choose Your Own Adventure #4

My favourite comedy act. Take notes. I can't believe he wrote that down!!!

Dec 6-Advent Observed or Pikku Joulaa:Has Anyone seen our Christmas Tree?

The ornament to place on the tree

Advent calendar-December 6th

I've held off posting this because I have a great story to go with it. Remember last year's fiasco? But I haven't made time to do it, so I'm posting the pics now...story later.

SuperGirl singing Christmas carols.

Missie-Moo joining in on the singing on her phone.

SuperGirl decorating the tree.

The girls hanging baubles on the tree

Taking my turn at trimming the tree

The finishing touch! Jeep and SuperGirl put the topper on the tree.

Family gathered around the tree.

Unzippered soul

Have you ever contemplated starting a completely private and anonymous blog--one where maybe someone would come across it, but no one would know it was you? Or maybe you would inadvertently send people to your blog, just so someone would comment on your honesty, but they wouldn't know it was you.

I've thought about doing that a few times. A few times I've wanted to actually be really honest and unzipper my soul and leave it on the blog page for all to read. But there's two things that stop me from doing that.

One is my overwhelming desire to not accept any well meaning advice or encouraging words. I know that most people mean well, but the truth is, I don't care. And man, that sounds callous writing it out like that, but I'm not writing my heart out to get comments about it. I write to know myself, to understand what is actually going on in my head--I just have this deep human need to put it out there for others to see, to hear and to,hopefully, understand. That probably came out harsher than I mean it but I don't even know what I'm really trying to say. Stay tuned, this thought might work itself out yet.

The other thing that holds me back is the fact that sometimes people assume the worst from it. If I'm to write that I'm having a rough go of it in my marriage and I'm hurting from some of the choices we've made--I know that friends read this and then start asking me the age-old "How are things?" question. And I know it's more loaded than intended.

The thing is I love my husband, I love my kids, I love my family, I love my church, I love God and I love my life. And yet, many times, I'm hurt, I'm confused, I struggle, I want to keep people out and not let them in, I want to be left alone, and I want to be angry with all of it.

Here's what I'm learning --and I really have my church to thank for this--I can be all of those things--hurt, struggling, angry, unfocused and questioning, but I am still loved. And none of that means that I'm on the verge of divorce, or about to become an abusive parent, or about to pack up and run away from my responsibilities in my life. Rather, the Gospel of Jesus Christ is at work in my life. His saving grace is teaching me what it means to no longer be a slave to sin.

So I'm giving myself permission in this blog. Permission to be transparent and not censor myself because a family member is likely to call and say, "How are things?" I want to be honest with the Body of Christ. I love my church--they have really hammered this home for me. My church has taught me to just be honest with who I am and where I'm at.

So this is where I'm at:

I'm going through one of the most intense marriage courses I've ever gone through. And while I know it will make us stronger, it kinda feels like it's killing me. Because in a way, it is. I'm understanding God's Word in a whole new way and sin is becoming more evident to me than ever. And I hate it. I fight it. I find myself wanting a punching bag to expel some rage. I really need to hit something. Hard. Several times. I think I may even need to yell a bit. Or a lot. Probably a lot.

And this course, it's digging deep. It's getting into my past and poking it's business into things I don't like to talk about or even think about let alone talk to God about.

And I love it. And I hate it.

I love that I'm becoming closer with God. And to my husband. I hate how painful sin is. And that the only reason it's there is because of the choices I've made.

Oh, how I need His grace. His amazing, amazing grace.

So in effort to put forth into practical methods the things that I'm learning in this course. I'm giving myself permission to be honest--an unzippered soul, if you will. Expect some stories in the near future. I find it cathartic to have a character act out what I'm feeling and develop a storyline unlike my own but still a safe place to vent emotions.

And if you don't see them, it means I chickened out...and out there, somewhere in cyberspace, is an anonymous, honest blog.

The shenanigans that happens at my house...

Brie decides she wants to sleep in the drawer with all her pretty clothes...

Anne lies beside her creation. Using old scrapbook die cuts she creates a surprised person wearing a large hat.

Brie buries herself in the mess of costumes and every other thing that was once on their shelf.

And 'Drew thinks the whole thing is funny!

DEC 1- Advent observed

I am romantic. Always.

When I think of Christmas, I somehow think that I will be able to live out all that lives in my head. I imagine gatherings, decorating, moments that are written about in storybooks only they happen at my house with us drinking mugs of cocoa and none of it being spilled on the rug.

I am romantic.

I'm also intentional at Christmas time. I try to be anyways. I will share with you some of the daily things we do to make Christmas at our house, if not romantic, at least intentional while celebrating Jesus Christ and making winter memories.

Our first ornament on the Jesse tree

This represents CREATION. Or as SuperGirl says it's a panther who is thinking of the earth.

We did this with pastels on wax paper and then iron the wax paper together.

This is a horribly fuzzy picture of the first Activity advent decoration we hang up. It's from our Activity Advent book that we created. On the back of the ornament is the activity for the day: DECORATE THE HOUSE!

This is the first page of the activity advent.

This is funny. This is where my intentions and romanticism collide. I bought this lovely advent calendar (last year at Winners for $1.50--originally priced at $5.00). I thought, "Allie, you are so clever. You already have this calendar all ready to be opened up and give your children the memories of learning about Jesus everyday." And then it backfired...

If you squint and tilt your head to the side, you will be able to see that SANTA is holding a sign that says "Noel". Ahhh, so much for my romantic idea--turns out every advent day will feature Santa in some traditional clothes and in various predicaments. Stay tuned for some adventures!

Canasta settles the nerves

"Joshua!"

My voice left my mouth and took with it my breath.

"Joshua! Joshua!"

My sister-in-law, Angela, ran towards me as I screamed her son's name over and over again.

It was only moments before that we were laughing in my kitchen and dishing out soup for all the kids. They had been playing outside after the Christmas parade and been told several times to stay in the back yard and not go into the front yard or play by the street.

The kids made all sorts of noise as they sat in their chairs, and one seat remained empty-Joshua's.

"Where's Joshua?" I asked

We looked in the living room. No sign of him.

We looked in the bathroom. No Joshua.

We looked in the laundry room, bedrooms and office. No Joshua.

Angela and I looked at each other and say, "The front yard."

We race out the door, yelling, "Joshua! JOSH-UA! JOSHUA!"

I took deep breaths as Angela and I scoured the yard with no sign of the bright blue eyed, yellow haired boy.

Then Angela uttered the words with a catch in her throat, "Where is he?"

We check the house once again, all the children participating. Angela ran around the house and looked behind every possible thing that could be looked at. I came out on our front steps just in time to watch panic overtake her as tears rolled down her face, "I can't find him."

"Joshua! JOSHUA!"

I yell at my neighbours across the street, "Have you seen a little boy?"'

"Joshua!" screams Angela

"He's got blonde hair and is about this high?" I say holding my hands up to his height.

"Joshua!"

My neighbours start looking. Angela flags down Jeep and Joel who have just returned from an outing. They leave the van in the middle of the road with their doors open, both men yelling, "JOSHUA!"

Young Caleb tries to put his coat on his. His beautiful blue eyes brimming with tears. "What's gonna happen to Joshua? Am I going to see my brother again?"

I toss a quick look around the living room and hope I sound more confident then I feel, "Hey buddy, we're going to pray. All of us cousins. We know that God knows where Joshua is and we're going to ask Him to help us find him."

"JOSHUA!" The voices from outside find their way into the living room.

Caleb leads us in prayer and SuperGirl and Missie-Moo ask God to help us find Joshua. I take a deep breath and look at the phone.

I pick it up and dial 911.

"JOSHUA!"

Angela runs in and I see Joel's van drive off in one direction and my husband's van go in the other. While Angela runs through the house and out the back while saying, "Joel says to call the police."

"I'm on it."

I'm trying to keep my voice steady and my thoughts straight as I speak to the operator on the other end of the phone.

"JOSHUA!"

I describe my precious nephew. I cannot remember what he's wearing--was it blue? I think it was blue? What if it's not blue? I'm not sure. I say as much.

"JOSHUA!"

I watch Angela race down the back alley calling her son's name.

They put me on hold while they call the police. I pace up and down the floor. Chewing my lip and praying to God that we find him, pushing out any thought of what may have happened...

"Guys, do you know what Joshua is wearing?" The idea still perplexes me. "Do you guys remember what Joshua had on?"

SuperGirl points to a corner and says,"He's wearing red."

Huh. What?!

Caleb jumps up and down, "Oh, there he is!" His little hand pointing into the corner of the living room.

My legs grow weak and I somehow stumble, somehow walk to the corner where all the cousins are laughing and clapping their hands. And then I see the two little feet poking out underneath the red chair. Little legs clad in red look as though they are a part of the chair. The top half is hidden behind the couch. Perfectly positioned so that if a quick glance is done he is easy to miss.

But there he is.

Joshua.

Asleep underneath the red chair.

"Thank you for holding, Ma'am. We have officers out looking for him right now."

"We found him," I manage to squeak out between tears of relief. "We found him. He's asleep under a chair and he's ok and he's just as beautiful as ever. He's here and safe. He's here. Thank you."

I hang up after finishing up the calls. I race outside now desperate to find someone else.

"ANGELA!"

Screaming at the top of my lungs, I rally the cry, "WE FOUND HIM! WE FOUND HIM! JOSHUA'S HERE! HE'S OK!"

Within five minutes, all search parties--neighbours included--return. The kids laugh and clap over the incident, Angela and Joel have Joshua in a bear hug and Peter and I cry with relief. We take a moment to pray and thank God for helping us find Joshua and keeping him safe. We say amen and the kids act like nothing's happened.

Angela, Joel, Jeep and I know better. We eye each other, we shake our heads, our conversations seem to start and end with "Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus." Joel is silent, Angela and Jeep are both shaking and I babble incessantly saying the same things over and over again. We give Joshua more hugs then he's had since the day he was born and we try to calm ourselves.

The kids are laughing. They are at peace. An officer stops by and makes sure everything is ok.

We tell him we are.

We wonder if we are.

Something has got to take our minds off of this unsettling feeling of the most emotionally charged half hour of our lives.

So we play canasta.

CORRECTION: My Christmas List

I want one of these...

to help me deal with my anger.

I'm going through a marriage course right now.

Naturally, I need one of these. There are some scriptures in the Bible that make me want to use this bag--not because the word of God is wrong. But because it is right.

That leaves only one person to be wrong and in sin: me.

I need this punching bag.

Nekked is always funny

Choose Your Own Adventure #5

Read and observe.

Erin and the time she walked through the house nekked to get some ice cream